Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

To kick off one of my non-USTA metropolitan leagues (TCD), here’s a post dedicated to that thing near and dear to the heart of so many of its players and teams: Team Uniforms.

This was supposed to be a real post with full paragraphs and a beginning, middle, and end. And then I started writing.

• Do you know how the big athletic apparel corporations come up with each season’s new outfits? They have a bet on which combination of clashing colors will sell the most.

“These two colors are so mismatched that the public will definitely be onto us this time.”

“Nah. If you put our logo on it and feature it in a glossy magazine, they will buy it.”

“Heeheehee.”

• Something might be off about a uniform’s color scheme if husbands are questioning it.

• Team uniforms are awesome. They signal Unity. Harmony. Compliance.

• “Our tennis team clearly isn’t dysfunctional. We ALL match!”

• The tennis court is one of the few settings in which women want to be wearing the same outfits as each other and aren’t embarrassed by it. No one is comparing how everyone looks in the exact same outfit. There are only women present; who would possibly be doing that?

• I don’t know how big athletic apparel corporations make any money off of their apparel lines. They’re practically giving away clothing!

• “Honey, of course, I have to buy all these new outfits. I play team tennis!”

• You know why teams change uniforms every year? Because players’ sizes increase every year.

• I’m so glad you donate your team uniforms from three seasons ago to charity every time you buy a new set. That’s very good-hearted of you. Exactly what the less fortunate need. And way to have an uncluttered life.

• A college classmate would wear tennis outfits as normal, everyday clothing. She didn’t play tennis. She was preppy.

• You know why you didn’t play well? Because you’re not wearing our uniform and looking like the rest of us awesome bitches.

• I’m already paying for drills, team fee, gas, lunches, league fees, and lessons. What’s another $100 for team uniforms that I’ll be wearing a handful of times a year?

• I love playing teams that don’t wear team uniforms. It means I’m going to win.

• For some reason when I think of team uniforms, I think of peacocks.

• Well, we did ask her to play on our team. Then we found out she wouldn’t wear a uniform.

• Weekend tennis is a cliquish community. Team uniforms are needed to differentiate these cliques.

• Not wearing a team uniform lowers your chances of playing. Unless you’re one of the team’s best players, I must ask: “What are you doing?!”

• Team uniforms are necessary in weekend tennis because it gives players something else to complain about. Players wouldn’t play tennis if they couldn’t complain.

• Team uniforms are just another fun way for teams to bond. You know, like hazing.

• Studying next season’s colors and outfit styles to decide the new team uniforms is a legitimate way of helping the team without ever once picking up your racket. Or moving your legs. Or your arms. Or sweating.

• Team tennis uniforms – great for when you first step out onto the court on match day looking all hot with the rest of your teammates. Then you start playing…and somehow, it’s all the same.

Good luck this season, everyone!

~ Christy Vutam

P.S. Dedicated to my present and former TCD teams. Love y’all.