Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

• Sometimes I’ll watch someone hit a forehand and cringe as the body and racquet are seemingly at war with one another and there’s awkward contact made with the ball. I’ll shake my head all dramatic-like at the terrible display of tennis form. Later at work, I’ll be listening to a song and start dancing to it…until I catch a reflection of my nonrhythmic self in the glass and think, “Touché, world. Touché.”

• I just came up with this grand plan to start using fake names – Lindsay Lohan or Mulan, for example – to reserve tennis courts under and see how the haggard, humor-less, jaded tennis facility staff member reacts. When I called to book a court yesterday, I was all set to say “Jessica Rabbit” in anticipation of being asked for my name…except the question never came. Oh, that’s right. Everyone at the tennis pro shop I frequent immediately recognizes my voice over the phone now. Dang it.
• There’s nothing like whupping up on someone you’ve never beaten before in singles a couple of months after she’s given birth. What? I gotta win when I can. Don’t judge me.
• I used to play against a woman on a nearly weekly basis in the evenings. If our match went late, she’d call her husband to check in with him so he wouldn’t think she was having an affair. Now that we no longer play as often, I wonder if her husband thinks the affair has ended. Is he relieved?
• If you feel a bit sick, please don’t agree to play a for-fun doubles match. If you become ill after committing to a match, please don’t wait and see if you’ll be physically able to play. You will not have magically recovered. You never do. You’ll end up emailing or texting me a few hours before the match that you can’t play, and then I’ll have to scramble to find your sub. Sigh.
• Non-USTA city-wide leagues are back!! Thank goodness. I was starting to do actual work at work. Now I spend my days checking out the scores for all the various teams and players I know. And from the comfort of my chair make judgments on people whose matches I did not watch. I might even text them and ask, “What happened to you? How did you lose to those women? You’re way better than them!” Ah, those are such comforting words. Exactly what they wanted to hear. Exactly what I wanted to hear.
• Sometimes I’ll look at the final scores and I’ll look at the line-ups of the losing team and think, “Well, duh.” That person’s a head case. That person’s not that strong. That person never looks like she cares. And those two haven’t played in months. What were you thinking, Captain? But then I’ll give her somewhat the benefit of the doubt and conclude she must not have had anyone else available. Or, maybe the team’s philosophy is to just have fun. Uh-huh. Or, maybe she was too busy with real life to figure out the best way to deploy her available players to win the team match. You know, captaining?

Oh, I agree that I deserve what’s coming to me. Reason #17 on why I shouldn’t captain a team.

•  Does putting chia seeds into soda drinks defeat the purpose of drinking the chia seeds in the first place? Does the unhealthy aspects of soda cancel out the healthy aspects of chia seeds?
• A tennis friend was telling me about the driving ability of her soon-to-be-16-year-old daughter: “It’s like your tennis game. You guys are both good at it but just lack confidence.” Less than a month after the daughter turned sixteen and was driving her own car, she had an accident. Nothing major, but the car clearly lost that game of chicken. I was skeptical of my tennis friend’s evaluation then, and now my suspicions have been confirmed. I feel great about being right.
• My sister – who doesn’t play sports – and I finally got around to hitting some tennis balls (look out, Williams Sisters!). Afterwards, this exchange happened:

Sister: “I hit some good shots today!”

Me: “…y-yes…yes, you did.”

Sister: “Not consistently…and not on purpose.”

Ladies and gentlemen, weekend warrior tennis in a nutshell!

~ Christy Vutam