Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

One of the supposed perks of being a captain is that you can choose who you want to play doubles with, which would imply that whomever I deign as deserving as being on the same court as myself is probably one of the best players on the team. Captains are not totally stupid. Well actually, a captain’s partner might be one of the worst players or one of the least enjoyable people to play with, and the captain is taking (yet another) one for the team.

For the record, I’m not totally stupid.

I do have players on my team that I very much would like to play doubles with, people I wouldn’t otherwise play doubles with in a real match (which kills me because what is the point of playing tennis if it’s not recorded anywhere for opposing captains to gaze at and go “Ooh, who is Christy’s partner?”) because this is the only tennis team we’re on together.

So this is perfect, right? I captain a tennis team comprised of people I want to play doubles with and whatdoyaknow I’m in charge of the line-up and it’s the most awesome power in the world. Nay, the universe. That’s how that works, right?

There are three cities-spanning team tennis leagues for women in my area. There are three leagues I could have possibly captained a team in. Being the brilliant person that I am, I captain a team in the one league that requires singles. I am a moron.

Guess who plays singles on my 4.5 USTA team? Me. I’m the idiot who can play singles on my USTA team. I have to play singles. Every week. If I don’t play singles, we are defaulting that singles line, if not essentially then literally.

We really are going to default line two singles (USTA fall format for my area is two lines of singles and three lines of doubles) every week this fall. Yup, yup. And when I finally can’t take it anymore and I’m sick and tired of always being about the team when everyone else just gets to do whatever they want without any thought to what’s best for the team, we’ll default line one singles as well.

Hey, Captains, do you love it when a player tells you her reason for missing a team tennis match is to play tennis?

No one else on my team as presently constructed plays singles. Sure, sure, I have had a few people nobly offer to take their turn and be the singles sacrifice when it’s their week, but I can’t help but notice that they’re trembling all over and not breathing while delivering that sweet and sincere overture.

Defaulting the line outright just saves everyone a lot of trouble. The opponent saves on gas, and my player saves on her medical bill.

I wouldn’t make my worst enemy play singles so I certainly won’t be having any of the people who graciously if perhaps bewilderingly signed up to play on a team I captain endure that horrible-ness. I play singles and I can barely tolerate it.

I love doubles. Doubles is so much more fun, so much more vexing mentally stimulating. I can play doubles all day. I’m basically counting down every blasted game in singles as I’m striking the ball. Has one of us gotten to six games, yet? Why is this taking so long? We just got done with the torment that was the first set…what do you mean we have to play ANOTHER one?

A lot of recreational adult tennis players do not, will not play singles. Singles players are mythical creatures who grow on the wings of hippogryphs, and when you have somehow snared one, you clutch onto that player as tightly as you possibly can. Hey, James Franco is starring in Of Mice and Men on Broadway right now!

 I would be the only USTA captain to not play me at singles (if the other non-me-USTA captains didn’t already have ex-Division I walk-ons littering their teams, of course), and no matter how much I bungle my line-ups, even the captain part of me would just laugh and laugh and laugh when the player part asks if she can finally play doubles this one week.

And the player part of me is like WHY ARE YOU CAPTAINING A TEAM THEN. And the captain part yells back WHY ARE YOU BEING JUST LIKE THE DIVAS YOU DISLIKE. And the player part screams WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE GET TO BE DIVAS AND NOT ME.

I am a tortured soul.

I need singles players who hate doubles. I need singles players who think doubles is the downfall of tennis humanity. I need singles players who are so scared of the net that they would rather play singles than doubles (not to be confused with your typical recreational tennis player who is scared of the net but plays doubles regardless because they’re more scared of being alone).

I’m almost to the point where I’ll take anyone. I’m about ready to take anyone who wants to see what playing 4.5 singles is like. Whoa, slow down there, Christy…

No, I will not be stopped! Are you a cocky 3.5 singles player who thinks she’s got this tennis thing all figured out and believes the soft, weak paced balls she normally sees is the reason why she can’t win and it’s all very unfair and the level is sooooooo underneath her? If you want to pay the $33 USTA fee plus the court and ball fees so you can finally face the kind of pace you “like,” I might be able to help…

Urgh, I cringe when I think about 3.5 Christy. Such unbelievable, unfounded arrogance…not to be confused with today’s totally confident and suave edition of myself who just lurves overheads.

Overheads are evil. So is singles. I’m looking forward to when USTA finally comes to their senses and removes the singles lines from their recreational adult tennis leagues. Singles is the bane of my captaining existence. I have had more player clashes/line-up issues because of singles than just about any other…

Dang it. I’m reading the USTA handbook, and it says players can only play one level up. Bummer, having 3.5 singles players on a 4.5 team really tickled me for some reason.

You know what? Screw it. I don’t care about the pipe dream that is stunning everyone and advancing to the play-offs with my merry band of orphans or at the very least not finishing last. Let’s AIM for last, I say! I’m just going to play doubles every USTA match and play with whomever I darn well please and default both lines of singles. According to the USTA handbook, as long as I don’t default the majority of the five lines, I can totally do that and my players and I won’t be penalized. Other than being, you know, down 0-2 before the matches have even started. Meh. I’m good with that.

Please stop crying, captain part of me.

What’s that, 4.5 team? You guys don’t understand why we’re defaulting two lines to begin with before every match and are pretty much losing the team match before it’s even begun when there’s a perfectly serviceable singles player in myself who is knowingly weakening our line-ups by selfishly playing doubles? Okay, people, listen up, I am the captain of this here team, and you guys are LUCKY…

Yeah, so I’ll be playing singles this fall. Captaining in the ONLY tennis league that requires singles and denying myself the joy of playing doubles with the partner I want to play with is so me. The tennis gods are laughing hysterically. I hope you are, too. 🙂