Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

Tennis coaches are horrible, wretched, twisted beings who are out to ruin our tennis games. Save your money; it’s all a scam. Stay away from them, people!

Ahem.

It’s been nearly two weeks since I sympathized with the plights of tennis teaching pros and having to deal with us and all. But two weeks ago, I had a second serve (you know, that very important stroke that starts nearly every tennis point…think about it…). And now I double fault all the time. I go to my teaching pro to get better, and he ruins my second serve and basically my entire ability to play competitively. Outstanding.

After being much maligned and criticized, what was a passable second serve doesn’t exist anymore. I can’t even hit the ball the way I used to. Now my second serves don’t go in, and I’m practically spotting my opponents all of my service games. I have better luck attempting my first serve again, which isn’t the worst idea in the world, actually. The worst idea would be your outfit.

Gasp! I am so sorry. That wasn’t me talking. That was my depressing tennis game. It’s very upset and lashing out.

Coaches are the worst. The absolute worst. So as recreational-playing adults – you know, the backbone of the entire tennis world? – we’re awesome enough human beings to pick up the ole racquet and participate in this “life-long” sport. And then we take group and private lessons because we’re so into this sport that we want to get better. No, I take that back. We take group lessons because our tennis teams/doubles partners make us, and we take private lessons because she is. And if she is, then I should, too.

So we spend a whole lot of money on lessons, in which we’re told we’re doing it all wrong. We change our stroke because some “professional” tells us to. Then we get worse.

What happens when you’re not good at tennis? Why, you go to a tennis instructor to get better! Imagine that.

Not m’kay.

You know, at least my former second serve, bad form and all, went in. I gave myself something of a chance. My opponents still had to hit winners off of my weak shot consistently. I mean, sometimes they got too aggressive as they were licking their chops in anticipation of my second serve and missed the return…yeah! Don’t think that that wasn’t part of my grand strategy. I totally knew what I was doing. And my tennis instructor ruined it. Clearly, he’s not willing to think outside the box. Hitting soft shots on purpose in order to throw off your opponents is where the game’s heading, people!

Not only are tennis instructors closed-minded, but they’re awfully pushy to boot. They keep insisting on doing things their way, and they keep saying things like, “That’s the wrong grip” or  “You’ll only go so far with that form.” Well, good! Maybe that far out there destination won’t be too bad. Let’s reach it first before passing judgment.

My coach hasn’t yet touched my other shots. I shudder to think how badly I’ll be playing then. I’ve already got a defense lined up when he tries to meddle. Look, I’ve hit winners with this, admittedly, non-traditional form (the leg kicking is intentional). There were witnesses! I can do it again. I just need you, sir, to tell me how to consistently hit winners with this unique form (that will revolutionize the game). That’s what I’m paying you for. You need to make me better using this very solid foundation of leg kicking excellence.

And if we are going to develop a new, improved stroke, can we please develop within the time frame of this private lesson?  I don’t have time to spend 30+ minutes every day hitting second serve after second serve on my own. I am not a moldable 5-year-old with all the time in the world. That’s why I’m taking this one-hour lesson with you, Coach. I need to get this change down and mastered right now. I’ve got a match to play tomorrow.

Wait, what do you mean I have to practice at it before I can get better?!