Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

• A tennis class of adult beginners is learning how to hit forehands on the adjacent court. Every other word out of the teaching pro is “Excellent!”, “Good!”, or “That was beautiful!” I’m having to duck as the class’s balls come raining down on my side of the fence. If the teaching pro’s goal was to drum up more business for herself, then she’s doing a stupendous job because if she thinks that was beautiful, then I can’t wait to hear what she has to say about my shots. Mine actually go over the net now. On the same court even. I would definitely pay to have a teaching pro tell me how awesome my strokes are for once.

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Recruiting for my weekend and weekday tennis teams is fun. So much fun.

It really is, actually. I haven’t hid behind any swing sets and scouted players, yet, but that’s just because swing sets aren’t included in most playgrounds these days. Plus, I can’t go to every tennis facility in my surrounding cities, watch people play, and ask them to join my teams. That would be crazy. I mean come on now; I work full-time.

It’s also because I haven’t played any meaningful matches with strangers lately. Nothing’s in season for me. Next week, however, I’ve got several real matches I’m partaking in. It’s going to be all I can do to keep my mind focused on the actual match at hand. All I’ll want to do is look around and ask people about playing on my teams.

I’m kidding. All I want to do is beat you in tennis. And then I’ll shake your hand limply and flash a fake smile after I lose.

Such a silly game.

One of the fun things about recruiting is having an excuse to create spreadsheets. Spreadsheets! You know how much I love me some spreadsheets. I’ve got tabs for who’s on my teams, who I’m waiting on responses from, and who has said no. The last tab has the most number of names.

The part I enjoy the most throughout this process is the ridiculous feeling I get that I sorta understand how general managers of sports teams feel. The GMs. Of professional sports teams. I feel them. My people. Yo!

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Telling people I’m funnier than the captain they plan on playing for hasn’t been a strong selling point for why they should play on my teams. It’s kinda like when I stressed free cookies when I was in charge of PR/marketing for my high school’s book club.

My sister and I were discussing playing tennis together over the weekend. She took lessons along with my brother and me when we were in elementary school but didn’t do much more than that (while my brother went on to be the number one junior in the state and I…I could hit the ball over the net. Sometimes it landed inside the fence. It being the racquet). I think it would be super for her to pick up the sport so she can be active, get out of the house, and begin her journey into the ultra-competitive, highly political, incredibly frustrating world of weekend adult tennis. Just super.

I think it would be so super that I suggested that after I taught her how to hit the ball (blind leading the…), maybe we could play doubles together in the lowest level league at our local public tennis facility.

This is how that conversation went down, verbatim:

Sister: “Ok, but you just need to be prepared to lose.”

Beat.

Sister: “But, you lose, anyway, right? Isn’t that what you always talk about: losing?”

Sigh. Yes. Yes, it is.

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A common complaint in weekend adult team tennis is being paired up with a partner whom you’ve never played with before. I, personally, think that is a silly complaint because if both of you would just play well (heck, even if only one of y’all would play well), it probably wouldn’t be a problem. If you and your new partner played fundamentally sound doubles and high percentage tennis, you would probably still win the match despite not being Facebook friends.

But that in itself is a silly argument to make because “playing well” and “weekend adult tennis” are generally mutually exclusive concepts.

And if there wasn’t complaining in weekend adult tennis, why would we even play?

So teams/captains will try to pair up players during practices before match days in order to appease their own slightly unsettled minds but more importantly to tame the even more volatile minds of the head cases they’re forced to put in their lineups. Of all the complaints made about the captain after a loss either to her face and/or behind her back (a reminder: all teams are dysfunctional; there is always one player not happy about something), she’s hoping to nip this one in the bud.

Unless, of course, you played with this particular person only once before match day. Unbelievable! Inexcusable! Ridiculous captaining! GAH.

All joking aside, I understand this psychological need to have played with your partner once/a few times before a real match. You know how dogs sniff each other’s butts as a way to feel each other out? It’s just like that.

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I wish with all my heart that my superpower wasn’t making spreadsheets.

So I tried to recruit players to my USTA spring team yesterday. No, I’m not the captain. I’ve been rebuffed from more than half of them, and I’ll probably be receiving the rest of the bad news by the time this post is published.

The general reason for being unable to join my team is that they’re already on a team for the upcoming season. One player was asked three weeks ago. I met her four weeks ago. I have so much to learn.

Real USTA (spring USTA) starts in May. That is a little over three months away. Why didn’t anyone tell me open season started a while back?!

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My boss just asked me if I was still playing tennis. I wonder if he thinks I ask to come in late every Thursday because I need to sleep in after all the vigilante crime-fighting I do the night before. Wednesday’s my night. Batgirl and Wonder Woman have the other days. I’m not too sure why they need off Wednesdays specifically, but we don’t ask too many questions of each other’s personal lives. It’s an unspoken sort of thing.

I am currently double faulting at an alarming rate. I really, really am. Someday, I’ll have a kick serve as my trusty, reliable second serve that’ll always go in while giving my opponents fits when they try to return it. That day is not any time soon. Perhaps not this year.

Now would be the best time to play me if you needed a pick-me-up-super-easy win.

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Tennis coaches are horrible, wretched, twisted beings who are out to ruin our tennis games. Save your money; it’s all a scam. Stay away from them, people!

Ahem.

It’s been nearly two weeks since I sympathized with the plights of tennis teaching pros and having to deal with us and all. But two weeks ago, I had a second serve (you know, that very important stroke that starts nearly every tennis point…think about it…). And now I double fault all the time. I go to my teaching pro to get better, and he ruins my second serve and basically my entire ability to play competitively. Outstanding.

After being much maligned and criticized, what was a passable second serve doesn’t exist anymore. I can’t even hit the ball the way I used to. Now my second serves don’t go in, and I’m practically spotting my opponents all of my service games. I have better luck attempting my first serve again, which isn’t the worst idea in the world, actually. The worst idea would be your outfit.

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Something about me was cool. I can die happily now.

My weekend was made when a little girl told me I had cool shoes. Little girls have never told me I had cool shoes, especially when I was a little girl. Adulthood: still trying to impress little kids.

In the last post, we looked at ways you could try to garner more playing time even when you are not the best player on your team. Being involved with non-playing team activities/kissing up to your captain type stuff that you never see your team’s best player do.

Here are other ways you could try to be more top of mind when your captain sets down to lovingly handcraft the lineup at her desk in her lair with her scouting report of the week’s opponent typed up, her most recent satellite pictures of each opposing player printed, and the appropriate figurines pulled out from her collection of dolls that she had made of the whole league laid out in front of her.

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I am generally not the best player on my tennis team. Because I am rarely the best player on my team, my playing time is a fun weekly guessing game (“The upcoming opponents are near the bottom of the rankings. Maybe my captain will play me this week! Oh, no, what does it mean if she doesn’t play me?”). Limited physical and natural abilities being as they are, I’ve come to understand the importance of standing out in other ways and building up as much good credit with captains as possible. So I can’t volley because I can’t control the awkwardness of my body and its inability to move. But I sure as heck can respond to team emails!

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In the latest in my series of Titles/Positions I Could Never Hold, I’m adding Tennis Instructor to the list (and not just because I’m not a good enough tennis player to do it). I think it’s a pretty neat job, honestly. Getting to be outside. Getting to be active. Time probably goes by quicker for them than time does for me as I stare glassy eyed at my computer screen by hour three of the work day. Getting to help people.

What a noble thing that is: Helping people. Teaching people. Making people better. What a terrific concept.

And therein lies the rub. Teaching people is a terrific concept…until you add in the actual, you know, people to the mix.

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